Love Is Soooo Pathetic

A couple of days after my last blog I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. We are friends and I like it this way. We talked almost everyday as friends after that and then we didn't talk for a while. It happens. I still have a thing for his friend. I came out a couple of days ago to my friends about that and they told me it was about time. I guess it was that obvious. He is a great guy and I have a lot in common with him. One thing I love the most is that we both love heavy metal music. That's what attracted me to him in the first place. I have never met someone who liked the same bands as me. I hope to see him next month during J-term. It all depends if he wants me and my friend Jessi to visit him. Hopefully I will have a car by then. My car has been leaking transmission fluid like a fountain and now it is stuck in the shop. I just hope I won't be spending a lot of money on it. I'm already playing off big bills from my vertigo issue from July. Reading all of what I just typed, I'm glad I don't have a long list of issues like I had in October. I managed to pass all (except one) of my classes. A's in my music classes, B in World Literature 1, C in Criminology (which was a D at first), D in Moral Life, and an F in Nutrition. That class was really hard. I guess a 2.4 GPA ain't bad. I will definitely work harder next semester. I have a lot of goals for the next semester and 2009 in general. I plan to:
*Lose 40 pounds for the sake of my back and to make me feel better about myself
*Get A's and B's the next semester
*Put my love life back together
*Take better care of my teeth (Tired of lying to the dentist and getting lectured)
*Get closer to my cousins that are around my age
I hope to at least achieve 3 out of the list, hopefully all. If anyone does read about my lame life, I wish you a merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah. See you in 2009.

Oye

The past 2 weeks have been hell. I'm dealing with the fact that I have 2 D's and an F in my classes. I need to fix them or I'll lose my Missouri grants. I have a 2.62 and if I get anything under 2.5 I'm screwed. I'm also getting annoyed with my friends. I guess it is because I see them a lot and after you've been with people to long you get cabin fever being with them 24/7. I have quietly ended my friendship with Laura. I have nothing in common with her anymore since she hooked up with her stupid boyfriend. One of the main things I don't like about him is he is atheist. I don't like people that toss their beliefs in God out the window because they are impatient and want an answer for everything at the exact moment. I should feel bad because she's been my best friend since middle school but she threw all her friends away and not to mention used them all summer long just to see that asshole. But then we aren't the ones sleeping with her. That was the worst summer ever, including that situation. My boyfriend had to drop out of college because he couldn't afford it anymore. I felt like he pulled me down in his sorrow with him. He did not speak to me the whole month of August and never made plans to see me. I should have broke off the relationship but I just couldn't. I knew he was going through hell. Now it is late October and I've only seen him once and it was back in September. We talk on AIM almost every night except when he is at the damn lake. If you can tell I hate the lake because the lake sees him more than me. How pathetic is that? Me, jealous of gallons and gallons of water. He won't see me during the week because his job makes him exhausted. I really want him to make an effort in this relationship. I sometimes feel like I do all the work to keep it together. This time I'm giving him one, final chance. If we don't see each other before the year is out or our 1 year anniversary, we are done. I can't live like this he has no idea how this is killing me inside. It's not fair. I have supported him through his depressed state. The least he could do is spend time with me and make me feel like his girlfriend. I sometimes feel like I'm just a friend, psychiatrist, or an online girlfriend that means nothing. On AIM he tells me he wishes he could be with me or hold me. You can't wish your life away. Speaking of wishes, there are days were I wish I never joined my women's fraternity. I feel like a failure as fundraiser chair. Right now the best I can do is setting up a fundraiser on the greek clothing websites. I know whatever I will mention they will probably roll their eyes at me. I sometimes wonder if my sisters even like me. Since we are a bunch of girls, there is drama. There are some girls I really want to see graduate or get kicked out because I can't stand them. I wonder if there are some that feel the same way about me. As I was saying at the beginning of this, these past 2 weeks have been hell. I feel like I have lost all confidence in myself. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. My issues this week aren't the only things pulling me down. I have a deep dark secret I cannot tell anyone, not even my boyfriend. I did tell my friend Brooke about it and I felt ashamed after I told her. I lied to myself later on saying everything is fine and I was just kidding myself, but I know the truth is there. No matter how much I say I love my boyfriend, I think I feel something for his friend. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because he was there when my boyfriend wasn't. I don't know. It kills me because I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my heart. God, help me fight this and all the bad stuff going through. Good thing no one I know reads this. This is as close to a diary I will ever have.

First Blog

Today I joined the world of blogging. I decided to give it a try. I need to release my mind somewhere I guess. Otherwise I will go crazy. Crazy is already the story of my life. Every serious moment in my life has never normal, but everyone probably says that about their own lives. I know most likely no one will read my blog. I really don't care. As I said, this is just a way to free my mind. One of my many stresses right now is my job. I'm glad school is out now. I go to Lindenwood University and I love it, but college and a job combined is stressful. Most of my friends go to school in the fall and spring and go to work in the summer. I wish I could do that but the cookie didn't crumble that way for me. It's hell being poor and paying for your own schooling.