Oye

The past 2 weeks have been hell. I'm dealing with the fact that I have 2 D's and an F in my classes. I need to fix them or I'll lose my Missouri grants. I have a 2.62 and if I get anything under 2.5 I'm screwed. I'm also getting annoyed with my friends. I guess it is because I see them a lot and after you've been with people to long you get cabin fever being with them 24/7. I have quietly ended my friendship with Laura. I have nothing in common with her anymore since she hooked up with her stupid boyfriend. One of the main things I don't like about him is he is atheist. I don't like people that toss their beliefs in God out the window because they are impatient and want an answer for everything at the exact moment. I should feel bad because she's been my best friend since middle school but she threw all her friends away and not to mention used them all summer long just to see that asshole. But then we aren't the ones sleeping with her. That was the worst summer ever, including that situation. My boyfriend had to drop out of college because he couldn't afford it anymore. I felt like he pulled me down in his sorrow with him. He did not speak to me the whole month of August and never made plans to see me. I should have broke off the relationship but I just couldn't. I knew he was going through hell. Now it is late October and I've only seen him once and it was back in September. We talk on AIM almost every night except when he is at the damn lake. If you can tell I hate the lake because the lake sees him more than me. How pathetic is that? Me, jealous of gallons and gallons of water. He won't see me during the week because his job makes him exhausted. I really want him to make an effort in this relationship. I sometimes feel like I do all the work to keep it together. This time I'm giving him one, final chance. If we don't see each other before the year is out or our 1 year anniversary, we are done. I can't live like this he has no idea how this is killing me inside. It's not fair. I have supported him through his depressed state. The least he could do is spend time with me and make me feel like his girlfriend. I sometimes feel like I'm just a friend, psychiatrist, or an online girlfriend that means nothing. On AIM he tells me he wishes he could be with me or hold me. You can't wish your life away. Speaking of wishes, there are days were I wish I never joined my women's fraternity. I feel like a failure as fundraiser chair. Right now the best I can do is setting up a fundraiser on the greek clothing websites. I know whatever I will mention they will probably roll their eyes at me. I sometimes wonder if my sisters even like me. Since we are a bunch of girls, there is drama. There are some girls I really want to see graduate or get kicked out because I can't stand them. I wonder if there are some that feel the same way about me. As I was saying at the beginning of this, these past 2 weeks have been hell. I feel like I have lost all confidence in myself. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. My issues this week aren't the only things pulling me down. I have a deep dark secret I cannot tell anyone, not even my boyfriend. I did tell my friend Brooke about it and I felt ashamed after I told her. I lied to myself later on saying everything is fine and I was just kidding myself, but I know the truth is there. No matter how much I say I love my boyfriend, I think I feel something for his friend. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because he was there when my boyfriend wasn't. I don't know. It kills me because I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my heart. God, help me fight this and all the bad stuff going through. Good thing no one I know reads this. This is as close to a diary I will ever have.